My love letter to grandparenting (with caveats)
Dear fellow grandparents, or soon-to-be-grandparents, or hope-to-be-grandparents
If, like me, you’re at a stage in life when grandchildren are a reality, or an imminent prospect, or a hoped for possibility, then oh my goodness but there’s joy to be had abundance. Whether they’re toddling or hurtling round your living room, or you’re face timing them from afar, there is a special magic in this cross-generation connection that is unlike any other.
Magic that includes, but is in no way restricted to, those heart melting moments like the spontaneous giggles - theirs and the ones they prompt in you, bedtime stories and hand holding. The chance to have a second chance at all the best bits of parenting, the discoveries and adventures, the fun and silliness, the snuggles and the kisses, the firsts and the achievements, free from the non-stop daily pressures. And the gratification when one of them turns to you for hugs or wisdom, of being needed and valued by a new generation.
Just so you know though, there are flip sides which, whilst they can certainly be managed and contained, need to be acknowledged. Foremost amongst them is that we’re not young any more. I appreciate that’s stating the bleedin’ obvious, but until little people come along who need to be picked up, carried, run after and tended to/played with on the floor, it can be easy to fool ourselves that we are as fit, flexible and energetic as we were when we had our children. Sorry, but we’re not, and precious grandchildren, whilst exhilarating and joyous, can also be exhausting.
And forgive this moment of prosaic-ness (probably not a word, I know), but if you’re lucky enough to live close enough to your grandchildren to play a part in their childcare - and I don’t know any of my friends who are in that position who aren’t helping out that way, even though for some of them that involves a round trip of nearly 4 hours each time - you’re one of the grandparents who are collectively providing around £96 billion worth of free childcare each year according to the Financial Times (a survey in the Times suggests that the average grandparent saves their family around £13,000), so you’re contributing something to your family that is of economic as well as emotional value.
Of course you want to do what you can to help and support your children, and of course you want to spend cherished time with those gorgeous grands, but it can happen that family dynamics blur the lines between being appreciated and taken for granted and sometimes that can become a bit of a tightrope to walk.
So whilst acknowledging the really precious few less-than-positives, nearly six years since the arrival of the first of my beloved gang of grands, and should they be of any use/interest, these are my top tips for happy grandparenting that feels good and works well for everyone involved.
Be clear about your boundaries - if you’re happy to help out on Mondays and Thursdays but not Fridays, say so. If you don’t want to commit to a specific day, but are willing to step in when needed (provided you’re free), say so (and when you’re not free, say so. Unless you choose to, there should be no expectation for you to drop your own arrangements to provide childcare). And if you’re feeling put-upon, say so - in the gentlest way possible of course.
Communicate your needs - if you’re feeling knackered and in need of a break, let your children know. It’s not serving anyone well, least of all yourself, to keep soldiering on. Grandparenting isn’t an exercise in martydom.
To which point - Do take a break when you need one. Get over the idea that you’re letting anyone down. You’ll be letting them - and you - down more if you burn out.
Do as you’re told. By which I mean, if your child wants their child to nap at certain times, eat, or not eat, certain foods, be restricted, or not allowed, screen time, respect and adhere to that. Of course you’re entitled to provide treats (I’d argue that’s actually a contractual part of the grandparenting role) and bend the rules, but ignoring or deliberately contradicting the parents wishes is disrespectful and unkind and will only set up unnecessary tensions between you.
Celebrate the emotional and physical returns - that’s not just the joy and fun, but the improved cognitive clarity and memory that grandparenting has been scientifically proven to provide. As well as the sense of vitality and the chance to learn new things from a new generation. .
Stay connected even when you’re miles apart. If your grandchildren are far away, find rituals and traditions that keep them close. Regular facetime calls, recording audio stories for them, sending them a letter of the week, sharing pictures of things you’re doing, all help to keep the bond between you strong in spite of the distance.
Support your children in meaningful ways. Dropping in a home cooked meal, offering to pick up anything they need when you’re out shopping, doing the school run, or just calling to find out how a particular day or event went (theirs or the grandchildren’s). Little gestures like these enrich everyone’s lives. (Also don’t underestimate just how much it means that you’re probably the only other person who will take as much, if not more, delight in your children’s children’s lives, achievements and successes as their parents).
Most of all though: Have fun! Relish every magical, memorable, special, precious moment. Grandchildren truly are a gift and a treasure. And they grow so (too) fast, so cherish the time you’re able to have with them, however long, short, frequent or occasional that is.
Here’s to grandparenting with a full heart—and just the right amount of self care.
With affection and admiration, your fellow grand-lover
Diane x
